“Possess me, baby, and you get to have me for an hour. Relate to me, and I’m yours forever.” ~ the WiseFool

Throw away that bathroom scale, burn the diet book, pour yourself the tallest glass of Eggnog, grate some nutmeg… and let’s resume our pleasure trip.

Ain’t no such thing as “personal happiness”

So where were we? Ah yes, now that we know what food and sex have in common, let’s pose a 4th grade question: Why do people even engage in food or sex? Pleasure, mostly. Side-effects include survival and procreation. And why do we pursue pleasure? Because it makes us happy, silly. Great! But the cat’s already out of the bag: We now know that not everyone finds happiness with food or sex, and almost everyone finds gratification. In other words, even though the promise of happiness is what lures us towards food or sex, there are no guarantees here. Come again? That’s like someone saying, “Here, buy this car from me. By the way, there’s no guarantee it’ll run.”

About time we took a good look at HAPPINESS itself.

I’m reminded of a conversation Eric Wiener, author of GEOGRAPHY OF BLISS, had with a native of Bhutan. The Bhutanese man had this to say to Eric: “I don’t understand your American concept of ‘personal happiness.’ There is no such thing as personal happiness. All happiness is relational.”

Or as the Wisefool would say, “Relationships, not objects, are the source of all happiness. The stuff of life is just an excuse to get to your relationships.” That’s not to say that you should rush to be poor — because abject poverty is a wonderful prescription for misery. Turns out, there’s an interesting relationship between money and happiness: As your prosperity increases so does your happiness. But only up to a point! After this, more money does not translate to more happiness. Quite the contrary. The dirt-poor and the filthy-rich are equally prone to misery. Happiness, it turns out, lurks somewhere in the middle of the wealth spectrum: Not too little, not too much. Happiness is found in simple contentment, which, in turn, breeds healthy relationships all around. And vice-versa.

But, but, I am an AMERICAN! I am SUPPOSED to be happy. Sorry! For a nation that celebrates happiness, we are not the happiest people on the planet. According to some studies, America ranks as low as 23rd, behind Malta, Malaysia and Costa Rica. Americans are more wealthy than happy. Even in America, it is not the wealthiest cities that are the happiest. According to one study, Laredo and El Paso, both from Texas, ranked the happiest on its list. You’re kidding me, right?

I’ve never been to Laredo, but I did pass through El Paso once. And I couldn’t wait to get out! And that’s no offense to the people of El Paso. How, one might ask, can these poor, hot, dusty, desert-like, crime-ridden, border towns be “happy” havens? For the same reason that cold-and-dark Iceland ranks amongst the happiest places on earth. Even if you can’t imagine happiness in Laredo or El Paso, look at their demographics: These border towns are predominantly Latino — people who value family and relationships above all else.

So why can’t we Americans seem to find happiness in food or sex? For the same reason that we can’t seem to find happiness in the rest of our lives. We don’t find happiness in food and sex — because we’ve turned them into commodities. Alas, food and sex were never meant to be commodities; they were, are, and will always be — relationships. Primordial, sacred and vital relationships that makeup the very fabric of our lives.

Happy or not, reality is: People will never stop eating or screwing. And face it: Food and sex DO lend themselves to be perfect commodities. And yet, and yet, and yet — it’s still a matter of choice. You can treat food/sex as a commodity or a relationship. Your choice!

Here’s why we should examine our choices: The “commodity choice” comes with a hefty price tag. It means that you’ll expend enormous amounts of resources looking for something… and never find it. Hardly surprising! Because what you’re looking for can never be found in a commodity. It can only be found in a relationship. Cultivate a small network of relationships, and you become part of a community. And before you know it, you’re home to health, wealth and bubbling happiness. Don’t believe me? Go ask the Abkhasia elders of Caucasus mountains, the Hunzas of Pakistan, Vilcabamba of Ecuador or the Okinawa elders — all models of vibrant longevity on our planet.

So what can a relationship give you that a commodity can’t?

HAPPINESS, that’s what. Happiness is not found in the “stuff” you own, but in the relationships behind the stuff. Happiness springs from fulfillment. Fulfillment, in turn, does not (and cannot) live in a vacuum; it needs a relationship. Good relationships are your holy grail of fulfillment, and hence happiness.