“If you think infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to your relationship — you haven’t met apathy.” ~ the WiseFool

With the economy in the toilet, we good Americans are quickly giving up on our luxuries. Luxuries we took for granted, you know, back when we suffered from affluenza. Like Debauve & Gallais chocolates, 30-year-old single malt scotch, fine wines, silicone boobs, botox smiles… and infidelity.

Infidelity is one luxury, which may be the easiest to wean yourself from in an economic downturn. When times get uncertain, humans run for cover; we seek comfort in the familiar. These days, loyal relationships are worth more than all the gold in the world. Stock up yall!

But hey, just because you can’t afford infidelity in a bust doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it or, at the very least, fantasize about it.

Say you find “perfect love” in the next few months. What might it look like? No sooner do I finish my question than you get all dreamy eyed, turn into Cupid and proceed to regale me with an endless stream of flowery, fanciful ideas. Oh my, you do have the gift of the gab in matters of love. I can’t shut you up, try as I might.

One word that keeps coming up in your love-vocabulary is “faithful.” You insist that your ideal lover must be absolutely faithful to you. S/he should love you, and no one else. In your eyes, it would cease to be “real love” the instant your partner cheats on you.

And this is where the Wisefool comes in. He taps you on the shoulder and asks, “Is infidelity truly the worst thing that can happen to your relationship?” YES! you shout without even a hint of hesitation.

Well, aren’t you lucky! You obviously haven’t tasted APATHY then. “Apathy? What’s that?” you ask, bemused.

Apathy is a sublime state of listless existence that lovers often slip into soon after the initial romance fades. It’s not a given, mind you, but all too common. Apathy is when you don’t do it for each other anymore. The magic has been lost. You don’t know who took it or where it went — but it’s gone. The passion’s evaporated; now you just sort of exist together.

It sucks! And you don’t know how to fix it.

As if that’s not bad enough, there’s more: Now you find more things wrong with each other than right; you complain more than you complement; you frown more than you flirt; you argue more than you make love. Sometimes you don’t even care if your partner comes home. And, quite frankly, you look forward to solitude more than the other’s company.

Leo Buscaglia said it best: “I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate — it’s apathy. It’s not giving a damn.”

That is precisely when Dr. WiseFool would prescribe a small dose of infidelity. Crap! What will it do? It will create a crisis. F..k! Then what? This will knock you out of your miserable state of apathy. Great! Then what? Then you’ll either salvage the relationship — or end it.

Either way, you win! Because, truly, the only thing worse than loneliness is a loveless relationship. The only thing worse than “pathetic” is apathy.

As the saying goes, “I can find misery on my own; I don’t need company.”

Infidelity is pain. And pain is awful and, well, painful. But all that doesn’t make it wrong. Infidelity may be the best medicine for apathy there is. It is a bitter medicine like no other. So when nothing else works, try fooling around. (But do try every else first.) If your relationship has gone numb, a spoonful of infidelity will get its heart pumping faster than all the books in the world.

Infidelity has other uses too. Like –

* when you worry endlessly that your partner cheating on you and lose sleep over it. (you’re asking for it.)

* when you judge and obsessively gossip about other cheating lovers, or disapprove of “strange” love arrangements that don’t meet your moral standards. (get a life.)

* when guilt is the only thing that’s keeping you from cheating on your mate. (pathetic.)

* when your mate is more into porno than into you. (ouch.)

This last one takes the cake, don’t you think? These days, the wonderful world of porn allows your mate to cheat on you — without looking like he is. What’s worse (or better, depending on whom you ask), he can do it anonymously.

I say, bring back the good old-fashioned, lying, two-faced, unfaithful lover who cheats on you with real people in flesh and blood. In the real world, you can at least plot your revenge: You can slash her tires, pour sugar in her gas tank, whatever. You can do some real damage, for crying out loud. But what’s the worst you can do to that pixelated pornstar bimbo who has taken over your beau’s head? Cuss and threaten her with a mouse cursor! How lame is that?

Infidelity! use it only as a last resort. But don’t be afraid to use it when all else fails.

Namaste, Shri

© Shri Yannam